Issue with Disability, Fear and Faith

(Journal Entry 9/27/06)

Lessons today on:

1. Fear not having it's way
2. Don't Resist
3. Attention Redirection - "Think God"
4. Peace Thief
5. Not allowing my frustrations to be directed at others

This day I spent frustrated regarding disability telling me that my LTD benefits could not be extended with the present physician information. After my request for an escalation on the matter, I started thinking about the possible outcome if denied benefits. I did not think about the best outcome of being approved for LTD extension. Instead my focus remained on "what if" the benefits get denied. That is where I let fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) set in. I did not use the thought redirection of "Think God". Additionally I was "not in the moment" and I was resisting the situation. Knowing that I spent the better portion of today like that was eye-opening. I spent time going over the story with my boss on what do we do "if". I spent more time with another friend on the phone going over the same story. Then I went to lunch with James, and when he prompted me on LTD status, I went through the story for the 3rd time today. After lunch I came home and called the doctor's office. I allowed my fear and frustration to be put upon someone who had no control over my worry.

At the end of the day, I found out my LTD benefits were approved.

Now, did I feel silly? Yes. All that energy into a worry and fear (False Evidence Appearing Real). Is it OK to feel silly? Yes. But then let it go. Focus on the lesson and then make a mental note to yourself that faith has to be exercised in order to have peace and happiness. I lost my peace & happiness on this day because I simply did not exercise faith in God. I was praying to Him throughout the day but I also acted in fear.

Another lesson for me today was a moment when I thought my plans fell through. I was suppose to be meeting James for lunch, however I accidentally stuck my house key in the truck ignition. I tried & tried to get the key out. I called James for help but he had no ideas. He suggested coming to the house & I said no... I decided to pass on lunch. I then called the dealership for help. They gave me instructions on what "might"work. As I was attempting to follow their directions, I called another friend "Stephanie" and with much frustration explained my "dilemma". I was resisting the situation, assuming the worst outcome I allowed thoughts into my head like "what if I have to get my truck towed" and "what if I can't get Celina from school". After trying and trying to get the key out, eventually it did come out.

Why did I have so little faith?
Why did I resist the situation?
Why did I expect the worst?
Why did I panic?

God is definitely testing my desire & journey of learning to be active in faith, trusting in Him to provide to me what I need. Fear of every little potential problem will not produce what I need in life. Even if it is a problem, why not trust that God will handle it? In the end I have gained another lesson on how to achieve peace & happiness.